Joan Lloyd's Special Feature - Answers to Is Cybersex Cheating?

Special Feature

Answers to Is Cybersex Cheating

Updated 1/09 [F 22] I have been married to my husband for 3 years, together almost 6. We have 2 kids. I don't know if I would so much say cybersex is cheating, but a betrayal. And I do think it can lead to cheating. Anything you do behind your partners back - that would hurt them - is some form of cheating. Whether its enough to end a marriage, I don't know. I notice that a lot of the replies are saying MEN go to cybersex because they aren't satisfied in the bedroom. What about the married women that talk to men online? Here's my story.
I joined an online rating site for bigger women. I don't know why, I just did. Maybe so I could feel better about myself, and I did. Mind you - there were no dirty pictures or anything, just face shots. In my profile I wrote that I was happily married with kids, NOT looking for a man but I was bicurious and would love to hear from women. One day I got a message from a guy that just said I was very beautiful. I wrote back and said thanks, nothing more, nothing less. He responded again I don't even remember what he said but it started a conversation which led to us talking through an instant messenger. It started out innocent, nothing about sex. Just our lives - our likes and dislikes. He was an older man who lived in another state.
Talk escalated and we had a lot of fun talking to each other. It got to the point that I let him call me at home (stupid, I realize now). We seemed to have a lot in common and he made me feel like I deserved more. Like I deserved surprises and sexy lingerie, for my husband to be romantic and MAKE LOVE. (something my husband doesn't say, he thinks its a silly saying) He just made me feel good about myself - at least while we were talking. It got to the point that I thought about him constantly, and when my husband got home from work I found myself feeling VERY guilty and being extra nice to him. I remember one night in bed with him I started crying thinking what am I doing? I'm married to a perfect man, I have a beautiful family and I'm going to risk screwing it up for some guy I talk to online? He asked what was wrong and I told him nothing that I was just depressed. The next day I talked to this man again, we talked online then he called me. I don't know how it was possible but I felt a connection to this man. I guess some kind of feelings or something. But I always loved my husband and knew I would never leave him. Later that day I got a call from a woman saying this man your talking to online, he isn't who he says he is. She went on to tell me that she was his wife and they were still married. With 2 small kids living with them. (I knew that he had been married and had 2 kids, but from what he said they were divorced and she lived a few states away). She said he talked to women all the time and that its a fantasy for him, his name wasn't what he told me it was and he was older then he said he was. (by 6 years) He had been at war in Iraq and he hadn't been the same since he came home. I told her I wouldn't be speaking to him again and I was sorry for hurting her family in any way.
He called me again that day and I called him by his real name, that thew him for a loop. He did come clean and told me the truth. And everything I guess he thought I wanted to hear. That he was unhappily married and he had feelings for me. He was afraid of losing his kids. For some reason, I kept talking to him. I don't know why. I'm an idiot and if I could take it all back I would. That night while my husband was home.. Cooking dinner for me - being a nice guy I get a phone call. Guess who it is? His wife. Telling me not to talk to her husband again or she would go to my husband and tell him everything. Needless to say it scared the crap out of me. I had to think up an excuse to tell my husband who called. The next morning I erased my profile from that website and deleted my instant messenger name. Before I could erase that profile he sent me a message simply saying 'I love you' I wrote back saying please don't contact me again. My family is much too important for me to risk screwing up, I don't know what I was thinking in the first place.
Even to this day whenever the phone rings I'm afraid it will be her, or him calling to tell my husband the truth. I have battled whether or not I should tell him what happened. Maybe he deserves to know the truth but I DON'T want to hurt him. I'm ashamed of myself and I would take it all back if I could. My marriage has faults, don't they all? But I'm happy. We have beautiful kids.. A very active sex life.. Sometimes I wonder if theres anything we HAVEN'T tried. I consider what I did cheating. I had an emotional connection with another man and if my husband had done what I did, I would be crushed.
So that's my story.. I probably should have shortened it a little and I'm sorry for that.. I tend to ramble. I just wanted everyone to know (if you choose to share this) that women do it to, not just men. Even people that are happily married and satisfied in the bedroom.

[F 28] i allow my husband to dress in girls clothes and have Cyber sex with others like him. it doesn't bother me at all in my view masturbating looking at a dirty mag is the same as him wanking on web cam with others. i don't do it i prefer physical sex with a real man. i have been on cam with him only maybe showing an arm or hand on his winkie that's as far as i get involved

Updated 12/08 [M] I feel it is cheating and very hurtful and damaging to one's family. I just started a blog (My Wife is a Cyberslut) that gives the other side of the story.
About 6 months ago I discovered that my wife of 20 years was having an online affair. And that was just the beginning!
I am sharing the painful and some times humorous (in retrospect) incidents that happened.
Note: Obviously, the thoughts in his blog are his own. JEL

Updated 9/08 [M 34] I feel that although you are not actually committing a sexual act in person,you are still engaging in a sexual way with another person.Perhaps in just a different form,but it cannot be right if you are in a relationship,it is a deceit and a hurtful one for the other party and will do nothing to address the obvious problems in your own relationship.Perhaps it is not strictly cheating in the truest sense of the word,but it is,nt strictly not cheating either.Bad idea all round,only honesty in a relationship as anything other is the road to its failure.

Updated 3/08 [F] I believe it is cheating. I have been going ou twith this guy for 5 years and for the last 3 years it has come down to him not talking or visiting wit hme at all for a day or two because he is cybering with others. Although he says he cant do it wit hme because he "knows" me I feel this is a lie. He has asked women if he can call them and even asks them to go on cam. He has started to deny me going to visit him and I cant even phone him anymore. When I do get to go out and visit I feel like it is them that has arroused him and not me. He doesnt wait til I am satisfied he cums within a matter of minutes then says he has to wait to be able to perform again. So yes it is very much cheating when it takes everything away from your partner.

Updated 6/07 [F] I read your ‘rant’ in regards to cyber sex and I have to agree, it is hard to get over the fact that anyone would do something in regards to that, however, I have to ask this to someone who has ‘been there’.
Okay, first of all, gay male relationship, not totally the same, but womanly advice is a great thing, especially for me since in some ways, it works out (dunno how, but it works! Heheheheh)
Anywho, my current b/f of 3+ years told me about 2 weeks ago that he, AT WORK, used his phone, AT WORK, to talk to someone else in another state in a ‘sexually explicit’ way. I consider this, cheating.
Funny also considering that he told me TWO WEEKS after the fact (you know, he got caught by his work, and thus therefore decided to come clean about the whole thing). Consider me devastated. And yet he expects me to go on like nothing really happened because he wants me to think like him in regards to “Oh, this happened, but it was nothing”.
Even now I have a hard time even thinking about it because it just bothers me. I don’t want to go to a psychiatrist because it’s really something that I feel I need to either vent about (and me venting CAN be a really bad thing) or I just need to get out. I just don’t feel the passion that we used to.

updated 8/06 [F 53] Here I am three years beyond the point that I wrote to you previously – see F50(5/03). I’ve read the posts between then and now. What I see is that most men just don’t get the fact that most women want and usually believe they have an exclusive relationship, especially when they are married. When a mate “roams”, it breaks the trust that the spouse has. And it is VERY hard to get that trust back. Now if a couple is having cybersex with each other, then that is a mutual choice that may enhance their sex life, but the temptation they are allowing to be SO close, may also lead to heartbreak. Altho’ my man is no longer doing anything that would cause me to mis-trust him, neither is he doing anything to heal the brokenness. Ignoring the problem does not make it go away. We are still married, but our sex life is dull, not fulfilling – at least for me, and often times the frequency is less that a couple of times a month.
Our life is one of simple co-existence, marching onward, with all the outward appearance of “a good marriage”. We even plan for the future – new house, vacations, saving for retirement . . . but, for me, it is all very lackluster. I have not been able to grow beyond the devastation of finding out about his secret activities - and SECRET is the keyword. Not only was he having a cybersex relationship, he had also paid for the privilege of taking nude photographs of another woman. I saw a counselor for awhile and we did several sessions with a marriage counselor. But he has never followed through with maintaining any of the suggestions the counselor gave on putting our lives back on the same path like it was before. Now isn’t that a thought – if we were truly ever on the same path in the first place -- weekly sessions to take time to talk – really talk to each other; admitting guilt and accepting responsibility for our actions, love letters, date nights . . . utilizing our communication skills to reassure that other of our love, talking about what is wrong and working on fixing it, talking about what is right and working on making things better.
But neither have I communicated how I still feel. I’ve left it up to him, and his method is to go forward acting as if nothing ever happened. How can I leave?? There’s a first mortgage, a second mortgage, a car payment, etc, etc. No, we are not in debt up to our ears. We both have very good credit scores, but my income alone simply would not allow me to keep on keepin’ on. I can just hear some out there – ‘she doesn’t have the guts to tell him how she really feels and doesn’t have the guts to leave and make it on her own’. Let me tell you, I was widowed before I was 30 and left penniless with two kids and then was single for over 9 years and made it just fine by myself – even bought a house before I met my current husband. When we were married, our vows stated – for richer or poorer (we’ve seen a fair amount of both), in sickness and in health (seen both of those too!), forsaking all others, ‘til death do us part. In retrospect I can see that perhaps I should have done what my gut told me to do in the first place – throw all his stuff in the driveway.
But marriages are made of more than temper tantrums and decisions made on the spur of the moment. Even tho’ I could take the attitude that he broke those vows by not “forsaking” all others, this union is not mine alone to make or break. Each person has to make such decisions based on their own set of circumstances. If abuse or multiple indiscretions were involved, I would most definitely get out – I would be risking my life by staying. Extramarital sex brings home a lot of unhealthly garbage in more ways than you can count. This is the first time I have visited this site or any of the others that started off being a mutual exploration pact to “spice up” our marriage.
As far as I am aware, my hubby has also stopped all of the activity that he was doing in secret. After four years I am just now really wanting to trust him again, but we still “have miles to go”. Without mutual trust and mutual respect, a marriage is really not a union. Best wishes to all those who decided to find their way alone, as well as those who have stuck it out. Perhaps we all need to meditate on the Serenity Prayer – God Grant me Courage to change the things I can, Peace to accept the things I cannot, and Wisdom to know the difference.

[F] Wow, I can't believe that so many people are or have had this problem too.
I am currently going through the pains of this cyber-sex stuff with my partner. I have always said that cyber-sex and camming are totally boundaries for me and he has assured me that he was not doing it. Well, my intitution was telling me something different, so I found his yahoo messenger and there was an explicit conversation with another woman with the intent to cam. I totally felt betrayed. I confronted him and first asked him to tell me the truth and he denied it. Then I told him what I had seen and he still denied it. I don't understand how can one deny something when they have been caught red handed. He just said it was a conversation, that was it. Didn't think it was intimate in anyway. I proceed to do some more searching and low and behold I found another conversation and he is asking her to get a web cam! I feel completely lied too and how can one who claims to be a spiritual man straight out lie.
He is 15 years my senior and I would have sex everyday if I could. Like other men in these e-mails he would rather masturbate to pictures and conversations he has with other women. Since we left it as he wouldn't do it again I wonder if he is just going to hide it better? I don't want to beat a dead horse but this is nagging me. He has told me he doesn't want the confines of a monogamous relationship but has told me to trust him. I have asked him what are your boundaries and he just has said it doesn't matter. If there is something to tell you I will tell you. This leads me to believe he doesn't think that cyber-sexing is in anyway cheating or problematic. I have expressed my feelings of betrayal and disrespect but it doesn't seem to matter. I don't know how to approach the situation but feel it's going to drive me crazy if I don' tell him that I know what he has done and that I don't think he will stop. If he want to have these types of relationships he is completely free to do so. If I were informed about his practices I would have made a different decision to be with him. This is something that I don't want in my relationship.

Updated 7/06 [F] My boyfriend was in the army and overseas for three years. His main way of contact was via the Internet. So he had managed to accrue many personal contacts. Before he was sent to Iraq, he gave most of those women his mailing address so they could continue their relationship that way. When he got back from Iraq after an injury, he got back together with is now ex-girlfriend. They broke up right before he came back to the states.
Shortly after, he and I met on myspace.com, about four months later, he and I decided that we wanted to have a relationship together, and he moved back to his hometown, which also happens to be where I live. We moved in together about three months later (I know it's fast, but it helped us both out, economically). We didn't get Internet until this past March, three and a half months after we moved in together. But we did have his computer set up, which we used for gaming and word processing. But on his computer he also had a slew of pornos and a lot of photos.
At first the porn didn't bother me. The thing that upset me initially was finding pictures of a girl on his computer who was one of his friends on myspace. I asked him about that and he told me that she was one of the girls he talked to when he was in Iraq. Now I know from reading letters of his from when he was over there that they had more of a friendship going on. He was planning on moving to her town to be with her. I asked him if he could please delete them, because I didn't see much of a purpose. Then the porn became an issue.
I'm a woman, I love having sex, I could go for hours multiple times a day, but unfortunately, my boyfriend is only really good for one-a-day. But then he started wasting that one on masturbating to porn. Then recently I got an e-mail from one of my friends on my myspace saying that my boyfriend messaged him telling him that he can't have me and that he better not try to get with me. That struck me as incredible immature, so since our passwords are saved on the computer, I looked on my boyfriend's account and he had mailed my friend, but he had also been mailing with all of these girls, one of who was the girl he had pictures of on his computer! And the best is that they were exchanging phone numbers! I was planning on confronting him about it, but wanted to do it in the best way possible.
However, this morning, I sat down to check my e-mail and there was a delayed message on his Yahoo messenger. It said something to the extent of "mmmm, yea baby, that sounds good." then I'd grip your balls so hard that you'd feel my finger nails on them while I stroke your rock hard dick with my tongue." Needless to say, that was the end of that, and I wasn't going to stand for it. I confronted him at around noon today, after I had managed to stop crying. If he wants sexual relationships with other women, whether it be physical or electronic, he can have them, NOT while he's with me though! The best part was that he denied EVERYTHING when I confronted him. I have no patience for lies. And zero tolerance for liars. I can only imagine how many there are that I didn't find out about.
Call me crazy, but I'm the type of person that would have a relationship without love before having a relationship without trust. For me, trust is everything. And I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

Updated 6/06 [F 31] For those of you that say it is not cheating- You sure haven't been with someone that would rather look at porn sites and masturbate than have sex with his own wife. My husband is 58 and I am 31 and I have no sexual hang-ups whatsoever. I could have sex everyday more than once. I can have orgasms for as long as he will make love to me. I have many, many orgasms in one sexual encounter. But the bastard would prefer to look at teenage whore web sites than spend that time having sex with me. That is cheating because he is giving our sex life to the porn whores and not to me. It is not my fault. I always want him to have sex with me anyway he would like, so I really don't understand what his reasons are for doing this, other than he likes to look at many women nude, and one woman is not enough for him, even though he tricked me in the beginning by saying that I was the only one he would ever need! Cyber sex and porn are wrong for you to do and hide from your spouse and it just leads to worse things like deceit, lies, and betrayal.

Updated 5/06 [F 34] I believe, and so does my husband, that Cybersex makes our sex life that much better. We chat online together and we have enough trust in each other that we just do it together. It makes us both hot and horny and the sex is pretty good. But I believe that if he or I was doing it without the knowledge of the other, or if one of us was meeting with that person in real life, then its cheating.

Updated 4/06 [M 38] I've been married for 15 yrs. We have had a PC and been online since 28k on dialup modem was fast.. Since then I have looked at a lot of websites and read a lot of stories. I have chatted with so many people, about so many topics online, I vaguely remember just a few.
In the past I have tried the cyber sex.. as with any relationship there are times of neglect, or not enough hours in a day for quality time. A person will look for attention where they can find it. I have a pulse, therefore I am guilty of looking.
Cybersex... It's just not the same.. a porn movie can work just as good for me because I guess I was looking for release, not a relationship. A few years back my wife ask me if I had cyber sex with anyone. I could tell she wanted me to say no, so I give her the answer she wanted. She had seen a TV talk show about cybersex and had made up her opinion that cyber sex is cheating. She started to telling me that after seeing this show she did not ever want me to cybersex so I have never attempted it again.
As my opinion, the cheating part of cybering has a lot to do with the relationship between the people behind the keyboard. If I told you what you wanted to hear, to assist you in your release of sexual tension, did I just cheat? Or would it be cheating when we chatted in a graphic nature? What about phone sex, where does the line start and end? What about the 30 something person that is not happy with their appearance, that tells you that they are 20 years old, built like a brick shit house. who is doing wrong to whom?
I believe that the cheating starts when you let it go to the point of a relationship. That mean to me if you know someone well enough to have their phone number, you went too far. Keep it a fantasy and limit your PC time to less than half of the amount of quality time spent with your family.

[M 61] If Monica sucking Bill's dick in the White House isn't sex, then cybering sure as hell is not cheating.
I also tend to agree with the guy who said he would not be cybering if his wife was taking care of his sexual needs.

Updated 3/06 [M 61] If Monica sucking Bill's dick in the White House isn't sex, then cybering sure as hell is not cheating.
I also tend to agree with the guy who said he would not be cybering if his wife was taking care of his sexual needs.

Updated 9/05 [F] You bet! I am involved with a wonderful man (so I thought). We live together. He was everything I wanted and needed. Then one day he left his AOL account open on his favorites and I noticed a video. I thought it was of music so I looked. It was 9 women having sex. He left the next day for a business trip so I went looking through the computer and found over 2000 porn sites, accounts, pictures and a lot of bondage photos which he had downloaded. I checked his bank account online and found he pays monthly to belong to porn sites where you talk to the women and interact with them. I was devastated. The first 2 years of our relationship we had a very active sex life. Now we are lucky if we have sex once every three months. He can offer no explanation to this. He can off no explanation as to why he turned to porn. Although I think it is an addiction he has always had. I can not get over it. He chose porn rather than be with me and it has devastated our relationship. He said he would stop. I told him I no longer trust him. I have looked on the computer and found nothing but he knows how to hide things to well. We agreed to try to work on the issues but until he can honesty explain his addiction to these sites and how it has affected our relationship I don't know if we will make it. I am on the fence as what to do. I used to try to per sue sex and would get the brush off from him. Now instead of porn he is addicted to computer games. Spending 10+ hours a day on them. So he has substituted one addiction for another.

Updated 7/05 [F 24] Cybersex IS cheating! It is cheating because my definition of cheating is: “Anything you do that you would not do right in front of your partner.”
If you are cybering with your partner at the same time together, well, that’s another story. If you are going behind their back and contacting people, planning a meeting or not – its cheating.
I dated a man 15 years my senior, who had a thing for flirting with girls online. I came to find out by sheer chance, when using his PC, I went looking for a file of mine… clicked on Recent Documents and saw 3 or 4 jpg. Files… one titled “For You”… I thought… “hmm, for me?” oops. I don’t think so… it was a picture of him… ALL of him… and a very nice one at that… curious, I went and opened the rest of the pictures… all similar. Even more curious now as to who they were going to, I did a little search and found message after message he had sent to girls telling them that he loved their this and their that… some were long time “friends” from what I could see, that he had met with in the past… I even found pictures of him and another woman!!! Now, granted, this was prior to our meeting, but, what makes me think that he wouldn’t meet these girls or other girls again? If he’s online chatting with them, passing out his number and what not… what should I be thinking???
We have broken up since, mainly due to this issue… and we still keep in touch and I am hoping to get back together… if we can work this out… just the other night, I noticed he had a new profile up on his usual site… so, he’s still at it…
He knows how much it bothers me, yet he does it anyway… I just don’t understand. He’s a 39 year old man with a 24 year old little hottie in his bed, but he is online chatting with women instead?
It is cheating!!!

Updated 5/05 [M 60] Yes, I believe it is. And, yes, I am guilty of it.
My one experience (one woman, multiple occasions, Internet and phone) with exchanging intimacy in that manner left me feeling as if I actually had experienced physical intimacy. It amounted to cheating because it was with a woman other than my wife, and without my wife's knowlege. But the thrill was amazing. And, if I had another chance, I would do it again. I'm not even going to sugar-coat the matter by offering excuses and rationalizations. It was fun, even exhilarating.
It didn't start out to be sexual. I was talking by phone with a much-younger [F/38] woman who I had known casually some 20 years earlier. We were catching up on developments in each other's lives. She happened to mention that she was lying in bed in a tank top. I wanted in the worst way to ask her, "And what else?" But I didn't have the nerve.
We also started communicating by Internet at about the same time. A week or so later, I screwed up the courage to write her:
"I hope you won't take this the wrong way ... That time we talked on the phone and you said you had a tank top on, the thought ran through my head that I wondered what ELSE you had on. Am I awful or what? I hope you won't think I'm weird or that I've overstepped my bounds. If you'd rather I hadn't asked, it's okay."
I cringed a little as I pressed SEND. The next day, however, there was an email from Terri. In it she said:
"Your question about the tank top was quite a surprise. But a welcome one. You know, honestly, I wanted to tell you on the phone the REST of what I was wearing, but I decided to stop with the TT. The thing of it is, it aroused me to think of you thinking about what I'm wearing. It really did. Now, do you think I'M weird? I'm starting to feel very close to you, you know, and it's easy to share stuff like that with you. It's fun. I want you to know all about me. Besides the TT, I had on light blue cotton bikini panties with little butterflies on the front. Would you think I was too bold if I said it would be nice if you could see them on me? Wouldja like to catch some butterflies? :-)"
Well, that's how it started. I asked her to mail me the panties, and she did. But by then we had talked on the phone several times and she had cum while wearing them -- she even held the phone down by her pussy and let me hear the sloshing sound as she fingered herself to orgasm.

Updated 4/05 [M 57] I've been fascinated by this thread and want to share some of my own thoughts and experiences. The answer to the question is that there are any number of ways to cheat, and cybersex is one of them. The more interesting question is: if you are in a sexually unsatisfying relationship, should you consider cybersex? Like most complicated questions, the answer is, it depends; on you, your partner and your situation.
My wife and I had many years of wonderful sex, but she began to lose interest and drive as she approached menopause. This certainly had to do with many things, emotional as well as physical, but over time, her appetite for sex became much lower than mine and her tastes became much narrower. I tried many different approaches over a long period of time, but I simply could not engage her; she would not even discuss our sex life, much less do anything about it.
I agonized for years over this situation. Our relationship was good in many other areas. I didn't consider divorce because of our children, and I did not want to get involved in a purely physical affair, but I was extremely frustrated. At some point, in desperation really, I decided to experiment with cybersex. For me it was a good decision. After a few false starts, I was fortunate to meet a wonderful woman who was in the same situation as me, married to a partner who wanted much less sex. She did not want to break up her relationship either, but we were both eager for more and wilder sex.
We have been together for over 2 years now. Our affair is conducted on the internet, with an occasional phone call. It has been lyrical, passionate and full of lust. We have given each other countless orgasms, shared our secrets and fantasies, and we care about each other. It may not be as wonderful as a real life sexual relationship, but it's pretty good nonetheless. Ironically, it may have helped keep my marriage together.
Now, a word about sex addiction. A number of posters have described their partners or in a few cases, themselves, as being addicted to cybersex and porn. For many people, this is a serious problem with painful consequences. Sex on the internet is readily available, and like any pleasure, it must be managed. If you can't do that, you should simply stay away from it. But if you are able to keep cybersex in its rightful place, a delightful corner of your life, it can be wonderful.

Updated 3/05 [M 22] There is no way that cyber sex is cheating. By my standards cheating is getting involved, touching, anything of that nature. To say that cyber sex is cheating is the same as saying that looking at pornography is cheating. I've had my girl friend for well over 4 years now and I've been having cyber sex with and without her. Cyber sex has made me a better love and I have yet to actually cheat on her at all. I have a great physical sex life as well as Internet sex. To say that it's cheating is absurd. [F] I was reading the forum about internet cheating. Boy, what a bunch of bitches. Clearly, they haven't tried it yet. If they have ever been actually cheated on they would know the difference. Men are men. They have needs. If they are limiting themselves to masturbating on porn....great. We women are so full of our own self rightuousness that we forget that we are, at the primal level, just animals. It is instinctive for men to procreate. We are too busy to stop and enjoy the activity and then are mad when our men turn to porn to take the edge off.
As for chatting on the net with other women, sure there is one danger in that. And that is if they fall for each other. Girl, if you think that your man can only fall for Internet babes then you better clean your glasses. Your man leaves the house everyday and out there in the real world there are real women with legs, tits and everything that may be just as much a threat. So, what do you do? Relax. If it is going to happen it will happen with a real person or a cyber person. Your bitching about it will only make porn and cyber chicks look better.
Those of us that have been cheated on (for real) know that the real pain is not the act of sex that our partner had with someone else. It is the intimate loving exchanges that is the betrail. The total slap in the face, the deception and the breaking of the promise you made to one another.. This is what hurt. Not the sex. Trust me. I have been on both side of that fight.
So, in closing I say to all those women out there that they should try it sometime. Tell your partner you are doing it. Go on some chat room and start talking dirty. The crazy thing is men think it is totally sexy when their women get turned on by someone else. Your man is going to get turned on by guess who....YOU!
Then you and your husband can go off to your room and have great sex.

[M]Do women realise that if they showed more interest in the men in their lives in the first place they wouldn't be looking elsewhere for attn?
i always have to laugh when this type of person starts to complain about an issue like this. my [insert spouse here] cheats on me, or goes to chat rooms /bars etc. Wake up people, pay more attn to the person in your life and this won't happen, be it sex, conversation or spending time together.
This is common sense and it never ceases to amaze me on how little of it's involved when the "poor me " syndrome occurs.

Updated 2/05 [F] Your website is a good place to thrash out this question, considering some web news articles talk about it being a "grey" area and maybe not "real" cheating. It is, it is, it is. Men who cheat on the net are usually opportunistic, possibly suffering other sorts of problems (my ex had anger management problems and suffered low sex drive, and came from an amoral highly dysfunctional family) and can have low self esteem -- much easier to "do it" on line than deal with a real relationship. Of course, they could also be lazy. Get these men out of your lives! You deserve better! And do you want your kids to think this behavior is okay?

Updated 11/04 [F 24] I just found these postings and had to write. First off I do completely see cybering as cheating!!! I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. We have a wonderful 3 year old son and for the first two years everything was great!!! Sex life couldn't have been better! Then once our son came along, I had less time to spend with my fiance and I started finding porno magazines hidden in the bathroom. I explained how it made me feel so he took them all and gave them away saying he wouldn't get any more. He said this only after throwing the BIGGEST fit ever and made me feel like crap. He said it was my fault he had them, that if he could have sex every day he wouldn't need them. A few months down the road in a different hiding place in the bathroom I found MORE magazines and this time videos also!!! I had another fit, he gave them away. AGAIN he threw a fit saying it was my fault. It went on and on.. every few! months I found the stash of magazines.. Then he started ordering it on the cable. We just moved into our new house about a year ago. We had a huge fight a few months after we moved in and almost split up. We had finally decided to work things out and I gave a lot to keep us together and thought he had given up some too, but found out he didnt give up anything at all.. just learned to hide it better. A little while ago we got dsl hooked up. I found out he was downloading porno videos off the net and hiding them in a secret folder. I confronted him about it and he denied it until I said come here i'll prove to you i found them... and then he said he woudln't d/l them anymore. NOW last night I found he has been going on to this site called IMlive and cybering with these women on there. It is really hurtful. I cried myself to sleep last night.. as I do every time I find out he has to resort to porn and ! not me. I don't understand WHY he has to do this!? He says he has no problem that "all men do it" but I'm sorry I'm sure there are SOME decent men out there who don't have to watch porn every day to be able to survive. I don't know what to do.. I have become depressed because of all of this.. I want to leave for my sake but want to stay for my child. I am at a total loss :(

[F 31] Well, I am a 31 year old woman and mother of 1. My marriage pretty much ended because my husband chose the adult websites over me and our son. He was cybering with other women a month before we split up. I kept getting upset about it because I didn’t feel it was right for him to do that with other women. Especially since he never really talked much to me or even spent much time with me. I would off and on be upset about it. He kept telling me it was meaningless with these women and I just didn’t believe him. I finally broke down one day and flipped out on him. I wound up in the hospital for 6 days because I couldn’t handle it. He decided he was going to separate from me when I was in the hospital. I was devastated about it. I still am, because I feel I was betrayed. Especially when he went to Chicago, Illinois to meet one of these women. He told me about it too before he went to visit her. The sad thing also about this whole thing is he would go onto these adult websites (preferably www.amatuermatch.com) while my son would be pretty much in the same room, talking to these women and he still does this. We went to court about that and the judge told me as long as he doesn’t have our son at the computer screen, he not doing anything wrong. I feel I didn’t deserve any of this and my husband didn’t put anything in consideration about me. He blames me for our marriage falling apart. We had problems before in our marriage and John can’t admit this is what ended the marriage. He figured since we had problems before that this didn’t matter. I feel hurt, betrayed, and alone sometimes.

[F] I fell in love with a man named John right before I met my present boyfriend, Kevin. John and I founded a philosophy club together and continue to meet with the club every Friday. Meanwhile, Kevin and I are together often, but not every day, and we don't live together either. Recently I helped Kevin with his new computer. He was pretty possessive about how I use it, and insisted on loading most of the files himself. He always stand over me if I am loading software on it. But yesterday he got DSL and a cybercamera, and he has instant messaging and says there are lots of people who talk to him all the time. He asked me to go test the fast DSL so I went to yahoo.com and hit the mail button.
It logged on immediately and went to an e-mail name I didn't know he had. He tells me that was the name he had used when we originally met, but I can't remember. However, since we met at yahoo dating and that was 7 months ago, I can only wonder if he is still chatting with all the other women, though he says he no longer does. Then I hit the bulk mail and there was lots of porn links in there. My got pale and couldn't breathe. I clicked off of it and wondered if all those people he is talking to are related to cyberporn. I don't know what that is, but part of me wonders if it's because he thinks that I still talk to John, so he can do whatever the hell he wants and I can't question it.
I'm confused. Is it a double standard? I am afraid that if I say anything, I will be asked to stop seeing John and end the club. I know he will say it's the same thing, but I am not having sex with John. I think it's not the same. Also, I have no idea what I should do to prove he really is being inappropriate on his computer or not....Just a gut feeling, but I can't prove it. I am scared. I have stomach cramps and want to cry. He says he loves me, but maybe if they are on line he thinks it isn't cheating. On the other hand, he can say my communication with John is cheating. I would die twice if I say anything. What would you do?

Updated 9/04 [F]Cheating? Yes, it is. Someone who wants to give up time with you to spend sexual, intimate time with another being, be they on the computer, is someone who would consider having an affair in real life if the circumstances were right and is someone you absolutely should NOT have in your own life. There are so many decent people out there who wouldn't dream of abusing you (and lets face it, it IS a form of abuse to trash someone through betrayal and neglect) that those useless sick creatures who think it is all right should be discarded immediately.
I know how hard it is to do really, though. It took me several months before I told the idiot that I was absolutely not prepared to put up with someone who betrayed me on line (and in real life) and who felt no remorse and who had no intention of changing. But I did eventually realize I deserved much better and I encourage all of you to try jettisoning the person who does that -- because you do deserve better!

Updated 8/04 [F 49] I am a married 49 yr old woman, been married for 6 years.
My husband does not know i cyber with a man online,yes it is true they do know excatly what to say and when to say... He gives me more attention them my husband does.Hubby watches TV and i go to my computer..My cyber lover is wonderful to me he is very attentive to my needs and my wants,with is words there is more to cybering then what people think..
My cyber lover and I have known each other for several years. The one thing you need to ALWAYS keep in the back of your mind is this: CYBERING is just as it says.. the key to it is to always remember that it is FANTASY LAND and leave it there...I have told my husband that I am not in love with him and more,but that i do care for him..
Our problem began when he lost his job over 4 yrs. ago.. Big joke all I hear is yes i have looked but there is always a reason that he did ot get the job.. One day just to make sure he was looking I went with him...Well I found out why he was not getting a job..If all you put on the application is: phone number, age, and that is ALL.. So this woman has paid the bills as long as she could,now i am without a job,and i keep working thought temp services to keep things going as best I can.
My release from all this hurt and pain is with my CYBER LOVER..he also is married for 32 years, and his wife writes erotica of all things,funny how things happen.. His wife is a very very good writer,but he says writing is all she can do.. So to you people that have never cybered and fell in love..You can be the first to cast the stone..Sometimes you have to walk in the shoes to see if fit..As for me I will never ask my cyber lover to leave his wife or his country..We talk all the time and with cams up and running we see each other,just as if you are talking to someone in person..I am his footprints and he knows he..We always sing off with Love Ya xoxoxox we have never told each other I LOVE YOU...That are words that is meant for his wife not me..and yes I would LEAVE my husband for him..NOT because of the relationship with my cyber lover,but because my husband does not appreciate me anymore.The sex in our home is nill to nothing.I am his second wife, the first one left because of the same reason.Guess the saying a cat can't change their spots is true...We have tired to make things better but he only wants to have sex on my pay day.He also has ED because he has done that to himself for years before we meant..So i knew of the problem before our marriage..
Either way until you wear my shoes please be kind and think that not all women or men are out to get the kicks from cybering..My cyber lover knows all about my family,and i know all about his family: kids, grand kids and he knows about mine..So in all respect for everyone,if you are going to cyber,at least tell your spouse..

Updated 6/04 [F 47] My husband was cheating. After we had our daughter, we were doing online sex together. The demands of my daughter and her getting up at 5:00a.m. put a damper on this. I always felt it was wrong and never got sexually excited by this. I always felt that people who did this were lonely people who need professional help and were unable to have relationships with a real person only an airbrushed picture. Plus I always imagined that people who did this to be unfortunate appearance wise and had trouble getting attention from the opposite sex. Also, I found out since through research and reading articles like yours that it is mostly gay men, straight men and underage girls doing this (married woman have just started getting involved in this too). Also, after reading many articles on the subject it stems from bad parenting, low self-esteem, addictive personalities, and loss of spirtuality /religious values. Anyway, I did it as a favor to my husband.
When we first purchased our computer he was always looking at porn. Some of it hardcore and I mean real hardcore. Then it got to online sex and him running to the basement all the time. He worked at home and I believe this is why he lost his job. One time I had a high fever, and he was so made he had to watch my daughter that he punched the wall, because he couldn't be on the computer. When I would get home from work he was not excited to see my daughter or myself. I know why now, he didn't need us. He found a way to make himself think he was some kind off online stud; he was a real popular online. He didn't need us he had all the attention he needed from other people? Anyway, I was working hard ... doing all the cleaning, ironing, cooking and care for my child and he kept doing the online sex. I knew what he was doing this and it was a huge sexual turnoff for me. If he would of told me before we were married that he liked to do this I would have ended it right there and still wish I had the chance to go back and break the relationship. However, I feel guilty because my children are the apple of my life. I want to leave but the spirit of my children are at risk. My children's happy faces will be saddened. My children love him.
I confronted my husband many times but he lied. He started calling girls for phone sex. Saying he was only looking at porn. I spy cammed his computer and found everything. He was even taking nude pictures of himself with him jacking his penis. I showed him the picture and he said it wasn't him. He also said he only called one girl for phone sex; I know there were more because I heard him on the phone when he thought I was sleeping. (I haven't confronted him on this yet, because I don't have the energy.) You can hear everything from my son's laundry shot. He must think I'm stupid. I believe he did stop doing it for about 7 years.
I confronted him 7 years later and he came clean. I would have confronted him sooner but I got real sick, my daughter got real sick, my dad got real sick and he stopped doing it. This is where I am now.
I still think he is doing it but not at home. He has a palm pilot and I know it can be hooked up at work to send messages. I found a picture of 2 actresses on it in tight dresses, how sad. I confronted him about this and he shrugged it off. The pain begins for me again. I guess he never learned anything and doesn't care. No pictures of me on the palm pilot. This is how it starts, (I've been doing a lot of research on this) starts with celebs, playboy, goes to porn, goes to nude internet pictures and then your right back online cheating on your spouse. Since I confronted him about the palm pilot, he doesn't bring it inside anymore. He leaves it in his car. Very suspicous behavior.
After 7 years, Guess what ... he went out and got a web cam for online sex and I did it with him because I knew if I didn't he would do it without me. We were doing online sex with the web cam and the people were gross and obscene. Total turnoff. I made the best of it. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself. What kind of good person am I. As we were doing it, I told him I was tired and he said do you mind if I stay on by myself. I hit the roof and since then all the anger, sadness and bad choices I made came back.
After I confronted him with all my information, he said what all men say just because I wrote it doesn't mean I did it. My opinion is if you have the guts to get phone numbers from strange women, you have the guts to take it further. What kind of quality woman would do this with a married man. What kind of a man does this to a good wife? I know he has cheated on me and has been with someone else, however I have no proof. Even though he denies it. Once a cheat always a cheat. This behavior broke our trust, friendship, our life together. I have lost all respect for him. I don't know if this can be repaired. Who knows how many husbands found out my husband was having online sex with their wives and broke there marriages and their children's heart. He should be ashamed of himself. He still goes to Church every Sunday. He prays the Rosary. I wish the Catholic church would condemn this behavior, but it doesn't do anything. Church doesn't do any good for him or me.I've decided not to go anymore!
What people don't realize is the online sex is EVIL. Phone sex is EVIL. MTV is EVIL. Porno movies are EVIL. People get crazy ideas when they see these things. It breaksup the family union. My husband thinks all the above things are harmless. What he failed to realize and I know this from going to AA meeting with my Dad, is that my husband is an addict. All the answers he gives me are typical answers my dad gave me when he would start drinking again.
My husband and I are trying to work this out. Like you, I don't trust him. All the wasted energy and time trying to see if he is doing it again. I'm so tired all the time. I also like your husbands response, it was the same as my husband's, "I didn't think I was doing anything wrong". I love your response if you can't tell your mom, dad, your preacher then you know you are doing something wrong!
What ever happened to having sex one on one sex with the man/woman you married? I just don't see the online turn-on. Why does it always have to be the Hollywood sex thing?
When I married my husband I was so happy. I finally found a nice Catholic man. Went to Catholic schools. He went to church every Sunday. I thought we had the same values. Boy was I wrong. How could I be so stupid. All the hours he spent online could of been spent, helping me, fixing the house, playing with my daughter, helping others and trying to improve his career. As a woman you know, a man that helps around the house gets great sex!

I don't usually express my views but this letter seemed to sum up the way I feel about it

Giving any part of yourself in a loving or sexual way is always cheating, unless you have an understanding. Lying is always cheating.

IMHO it's the lying that's the sin. If you and your partner talk about cybersex and agree that when you're apart - or even together to get the juices flowing - cybersex might be fun, that's fine. Have you ever tried getting on line and talking dirty with your lover seated beside you? Quite an experience. HOWEVER if you have to lie to your partner (and not telling is, in it's own way lying) then it is cheating.

Updated 5/03 [F 50] Altho I have some pretty clear guidelines of what is "right" and "wrong" in a sexual relationship, I am willing to explore a little and role play. I even wrote a story or two for my husband. I do however, have strong negative opinions about so-called girlie magazines & calendars, etc as well as porn and even soft-porn. I feel "adults only" materials is very much exploitation - even when it is by mutual consent. It exploits the woman and the greed of the producers and of the men that watches it.
About a year ago, my husband & I began to explore our sexuality -- and did some surfing to some rather benign sights, but somewhere along the line, we both got hooked to a degree. While I spent my time trying to find ways to enhance the experience between us by finding stories like JEL writes and we bought a couple of her books - using a few ideas here & there after we each had marked the items we were interested in. But my husband ended up finding a forum on sexuality and entering chat rooms and finally started an on-line relationship with a woman. He says that it started innocently and was just chat about work and life and such things. But eventually the subject of sex came up and they began a cybersex "affair"
I was on-line one day and decided to check his email because we were expecting a reply about an unrelated inquiry. I found a number of "suspicious" messages which prompted me to look further. What I found was saved conversations that were VERY CLEARLY on-line sex, with each message getting deeper into fantasy & detailed description. I was devastated!!! I nearly threw all his stuff in the driveway right then & there. The other thing I discovered was that he had decided to pursue a desire to take modeling photos - we had had a studio in our house and had done - together - seniors, families, weddings, groups & the like. It had not provided enough income so we gave it up. Now taking pictures of models is one thing, but I found the written proof of an agreement to do nude photos - and I found the photos ON HIS COMPUTER. I was so angry that I shredded every story we had printed out and bagged up all my role-playing outfits and accessories and threw them out.
Any single one of these events might not have been to difficult to deal with, but all of them together at the time that I was diligently trying to "let down my hair" and venture outside my personal comfort zone sexually, was a big blow to our relationship. Even tho he has stopped all these activities - or else - the damage was done. He doesn't think he has a problem and won't seek counseling. I sought therapy simply to try to maintain my own level of sanity !?!! We are still together and working on our relationship, but my trust is all but gone. From time to time I went looking to see if he was still involved. I do not believe that he is, but the mistrust is there. I also know that by continued to snoop, I am only perpetuating my own hurt and suspicions, so I don't go looking anymore.
Was he cheating - ABSOLUTELY!. Scripture tells us that when we lust after someone in our hearts, we are sinning. But it is the act and the action of following thru on that lust that is the sin - and that is what cybersex is - following thru, taking action on the lusting after another person. Fantasy is one thing, even tho debatable, but actual conversation that simulates the sex act with someone other that your spouse, IS cheating.
I am trying very hard to "get over it" as my husband puts it - that's his guilt showing - and all he has to say is 'if he had known it would hurt me, he wouldn't have done it.' If a person thinks that it is OK to do such things, why do they have to hide the fact that they participate in them? My parameter is this -- if I would not want my spouse, my friends, my co-workers, my pastor or my grandchildren to know about the stuff I look at on the Internet, then it probably is not proper for me to be there either.
Am I being a hypocrite for writing to this forum. I think not from the standpoint of letting other people know the tremendous anguish that was caused by the events described. I admit my guilt in the places I explored and have not returned to any of those places - mostly catalogs - they have plenty of nudity to look at & enjoy and toys and games to buy. I hope this helps someone to understand the damage that the secrecy caused and the long road to travel to get back the trust that was there before.
Enough said.

Updated 3/03 [F 50]Oh boy, is it cheating! Can anyone out there doing the cybering comprehend the pain you will put your significant other through when they find out? And they WILL find out.
I had been happily remarried for two years when I found the porn on the computer. It had been going on since before we had been married, with both men and women. When I found it, I was off work on disability, due to a serious illness. He was on the computer having cyber-sex while I was flat on my back in bed, ill.
I loved this man so much- he was a friend for years before we dated, took on the responsibility of my 16 year old daughter who was still at home, and seemed like someone I could trust. I've always been very sexual, willing to try different things, and we were, I thought, a perfect match sexually. So I was shocked, horrified and felt like murdering him when I found this. At one point I told him I had found his cyber-sex and he denied he was doing anything. Then the computer mysteriously "crashed" for several weeks and when it was back up again, his files had vanished. Checking the history, I know he is still up to his activities when I am at work (I work, of all things, in a Bridal shop. Ironic, isn't it?) He's just not doing it when I am there. This has ruined my sexual drive...we still have sex, but I can't help but think, while we are doing it, that his mind is with any of the women and men I know he's cybered with. Obviously I love him, or this still wouldn't hurt so much, and I'd like to have my marriage be what I thought it was, but I don't know how to go about this when he denies doing anything and hides it from me. He claims his first marriage broke up because he found his wife with another main in their own bed. Now I wonder if the story was actually the other way around. If someone has caused you that much pain, how can you turn around and do the same thing to another person you love? So now, my respect for, and trust in my husband is destroyed.
For those out there cybering and saying it's not cheating, you're simply rationalizing your bad behavior.

Updated 1/03 [M 22] Well, as I recall someone mentioned a lack of someone on the other side of the fence. I have been there, and am sharing my last letter to this person, in an attempt to share the pain associated with an ill fated online relationship. I am a 22 year old male who got on the wrong side of things.
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And so, I sit here alone thinking of you. Were it there was something to be done. I seem to have backed myself into a corner. I love you, and will always love you, but in doing so, I am contradicting every belief and moral I hold so dear. I have been reduced to the existence of all those, which I had deemed myself so far above. I thought myself enlightened, but I was so wrong. All I can think about is the love I hold for you, and how this is fated only for heartbreak. The touch of your lips, the gentle press of your body to mine. How real these things seem now, and how memory fades with time. I will forget the feel of your arms around my neck, the sound of your breath, and in time, I will even forget the sound of your voice as you tell me you love me. All that shall remain is a longing, deep inside me. I may find comfort in the form of a substitute, but never shall you be replaced, never shall that void be filled, never shall I experience what I felt for you.
We essentially choose who we fall in love with, and all too often we fall in love with love itself. This, I fear shall alter my perceptions for all time to pass. I shall get close to no other. I shall embrace meaningless lust. I shall break hearts, and not think twice, as I leave in the morning, to go to work, and leave cab fair on the pillow. Oh, what a hideous creature these past events have molded me into.
How infantile that statement seems. That I shall fall in love with no other. I know this not to be true, because my brain tells me that I was not destined to meet only one person, for which I feel affection, but my heart is conditioned for loving only one person.
And yet, when I laid eyes upon you once again, intent on ending this charade... this love of lust, I fell for you again. Our eyes met, and all my conviction was lost. I lost myself in your embrace once more, and that was that. I retrospect, I should have known it would happen, but I find it far easier to say something than to do it, when it really matters.
What we have is a forbidden cursed thing. Every time I touch your skin, every time our lips meet, every time I look into your eyes, I am ridden with guilt. Oh, how I long for you. The uncertanty is a storm filling me to the brim, a mix of hormones and intellect. I want you, and know I can not have you in good conscience. What I would ask of you, is not my right, but the right of that to whom you first declared your affection. It would appear time is not on my side, for I was born out of time.
Come into my arms once more. Allow me to change your world. Let me be the one. I shall make you whole once more. Just give me a chance. A chance to give it all up for you, my beliefs, my morals, my ethics. Those are of no import when I am with you.
Oh, what agony I feel inside. I am torn apart by this. I love you, and want to be with you. I love you and know I should not be with you. To what end shall these words lead? Only one thing do I know to be. To thine own self be true.
I pray thee to take these words and consider them carefully, for they are all I have. I send my love, projecting my soul to you. I love you,

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