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This is the second part of the page on Cybersex and Cheating. If you want to read the first page which contains the more recent responses, click over to Page 1

Updated 10/02 [F 29] I was just reading the CyberSex thread and had to comment. I tend to think it is cheating. If both spouses are okay with it, then hey that's there business. BUT, I do think online relationships often spill out into real life and the potential for harm is significant. I am a a 29 year old woman, married for 8 years, and have been on the internet since I was 17 and in college - back when it was all text-based and non commercial. Over the years I have seen a lot of people hurt by the fallout from online affairs.
So, while I do live out a rich online fantasy life, I do it with my husband and with no sex involved ... we log out for that. ;) All the same, we have found that when we get too wrapped up in our online lives our real ones do tend to suffer. We play Everquest, by the way, a MMORPG (massively multiplayer online roleplaying game.) Lots of cybering does go on in the game, and causes much mirth and merriment for everyone when someone gets their cybering into the wrong chat channel. ;) As a general rule, I only realtime chat with people I know in real life or with people in Everquest, many of whom I have known in virtual life for years now. I have seen their pictures and their kids pictures, but mostly we slay virtual dragons together and enjoy an escape from the pressures and complications of real life without the need to hire babysitters.
On to the subject of online porn... Well, it used to bother me that my husband liked it, but recently our marraige reached a crises point that caused us both to really decide what we want. In the end we both wanted to stay married and be happy, so we both learned new behaviour patterns. We spent some time exploring and found out what we could both enjoy watching. (Anime porn works for us.) It seems to me that the problem exists where one spouse is appalled by porn and the other enjoys it. It's a bad match, either one person must give up or hide an important pleasure or the other is hurt and angry. No matter what that dynamic is going to hurt a marriage. In my opinion, most porn is filled with bad acting and bored-looking women. I particularly hate silicon enhanced bodies. Perhaps that's why Anime apeals to me. And, hey, you can know that noone was exploited in the making of anime.

Updated 8/02 [M 48] I think the first thing is to not do it, just does not make sense doing all that typing. You will just be adding to the carpel tunnel problems that can result from it. What can someone get out of cybering? I don't think is makes any sense. Even phone sex would seem boring. The "real thing" is the way to go, if you have to get it. But what do you tell your spouse that only has sex with you maybe a handful of times per year, "Honey, since we don't have sex that much, I am going to go out and find it elsewhere". Yes, that is right, my wife only has sex with me maybe 5 times a year (actually a couple of yrs ago we did it 3 times), even though I try to get her going. It is women like her that drive men out to look for it elsewhere. But you always hear about the man that does not give his wife pleasure.
Not that I do, but I can see it happening to guys that are in situations like mine, which I am sure are quite a few, trying to get it whichever way they can. Also, when we do have it, it is the same old thing, over and over. Nothing new, can't even get her to do oral for more than an minute or so, when I can do it for as long as she can take it, which is usually until the end.
I am just throwing some thoughts out there that maybe you can answer for all the guys that are not getting their needs fulfilled. Just another topic spawning off the cybersex thing.

[F] In regards to cyber cheating...would you or anyone else fault a 40 y/o woman who starts cyber sexing because her husband has had no sexual interest (not just in her, but in anybody) in several years.
I am just such a woman. I have always had a very high rate of sexual interest, and there seemed to be no problem with my husband in the beginning of our relationship. We've had several discussions about his lack of interest in recent years and he has even sought professional help, all to no avail. I've always been forthright with him and recently told him that if he is not willing to be an active participant in regards to an intimate and active sex life between the two of us, that I would seek an alternative solution for "my problem", as he has called it.
My alternative solution...cyber sex. I can remain anonymous, act upon my wildest fantasies, and talk as dirty as I want. It's a safer alternative than trying to meet a "wrong" someone IRL.
So for those who's spouses are "cyber cheating", they need to find the real reason behind their spouses need to have sex online.

[F]Hi, I noticed that most of the responses are from people who have been cheated on, what about the "other woman" or the "other man"? It takes two people to have an affair, and for whatever reasons, it is difficult for everyone involved. I am a female, 47 years old ad I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 7 years of my life. I fell deeply in love with this man, and I feel without a doubt that we are soul mates, destined to be together. I was also married at the time, and never in my 23 years of marriage did I ever expect to have an affair.
ve now separated and waiting for the final divorce papers, not based on the affair but based on the fact that I was no lnger in love with my husband and he deserved much more than I could ever offer him, so I left to give him a chance to love again. My lover on the other hand, is refusing to leave his wife for me, because of the kids (who are no onger kids) and I continue to love him with all of my hart, mind, body and soul, and yet he cannot make the choice. He wants me, and he wants his life as he has always known it to be. He doesn't want to "look bad" in the eyes of his children.
I too have a daughter, and she was hurt and angry, but has since learned that life is too short to hold grudges and that people fall in love and they fall out of love for whatever reasons. My life is ruined because of my deep love for this other man, and yet, I have never known such love and peace as I do with him.
So you see, it is not always a one way street. I wasn't out there looking for this man or to ruin his family, I know what his wife is feeling and I don't hate her, but if she knew how much her husband loved me and how much I love him, wouldn't she rather give him up than keep him?
So don't judge the other woman or the other man, they too have feelings.

[F] a few years ago my husband cheated on me, and as a matter of fact, not only did he give me herpes, but the other woman was pregnant the same time i was (we were four months apart) i really did love him so i tried to work things out but in the end i just could not trust him again. we are divorced now and i am remarrying in sept. 2002, to a wonderful man.....who is nothing like my first husband, but still i have issues with trust.....even though i've never had a reason to not trust him. but slowly i am working out this problem and already i've came a long way. if anyone has any suggestions i am more then willing to listen.

[F] I've been married for 17yrs. my husband has had fantasies about other women, 3-somes to whatever else. nothing ever happened until a few weeks ago. he went into the instant messenger chatting with the neighbor lady and our daughter was over their spending the night. well he thought she was asleep when he started talking dirty to our neighbor. telling her he wouldnt mind doing her and some others but didnt say who. and that he wouldnt mind doing something strange like a differrent flavor of ice creame. that he wanted her to like his balls till they pucked and so on and so on. well needless to say our daughter read it all as he was typing it. needless to say our marriage is on the rocks and we lost a good friend. i still talk to her but its hard to face her and her husband. they keep telling me its not my fault. but my husband told her that i dont seem interrested any more , well i wonder why ive been workink 10-12hrs. a day 6-7 days a week youd be to tired too. its not that im not interrested just tired. but according to him im not interrested. so he got majorly busted in black and white. had the whole conversation printed out. if you ladies can get the proof in black and white man i tell you what your talking a man doing everything and anything to fix everything.

Updated 5/02 [F] We've been married 14 yrs.. I've put up with my husband calling girls giving smoking surveys that always lead to sexual questions. Calling up escorts & masturbating over the phone. Then going to the public library, chatting, e-mailing girls, getting their filthy nude photos & masturbating to their pics.
The day he brought web tv into my home, I knew that was it. He's spent 12 hrs at a time (wk ends ) on the net obsessed with all the porno, chat roons & pics he could get! We haven"t had sex in 3 years!!! And when he's on line, he gets angry if I dare walk into the room to ask a simple questions or immediately turns the web off. He does nothing around our apt, such as fixing things.
That is why I'm divorcing him, he's a looser. I have NO feelings for this person, in the past he was physically abusive, now mentally.
So I say to any other women out there, don't wait 14 yrs like I did. RUN as fast as you can from a partner that is obsessed with cyber-porno, cause it only get's worse.

Updated 4/02 [F 33] I believe cyber is cheating....I'm a 33 year old female who's been married now to a wonderful man for 9 years. We have 5 kids between the both of us. I started chatting on line about a year ago and I met this guy on line. We talked for about 6 months and he asked me if I wanted to cyber, so of course I tried. I started having feelings for him. But the worst thing was that I told my husband about it. He asked me if I was having sex over line. I told him the truth. I lost the only man I every loved. My kids now are separated from us. One lives with him and the other live with me. I got so caught up on cybering that I let my husband walk out....... We are now patching things up, getting are family back together.
Please ladies don't get caught up in all this nonsense. Look at what you've got, a husband and kids who truly love you. You don't even know who's sitting on the other side of that screen....
Good luck. Don't get caught up online.

Updated 2/02 [F 51] I was going through the letters dealing with Cybersex. I have been married 31 years and have lived with a partner addicted to pornography for my entire married life. I've tried everything from separation to fits of anger. I have seen councilors but he never has. As usual "he doesn't have a problem." He always finds some reason for it to be my fault. The current situation is he has a storage unit where he hides a stack of magazines and tapes. He visits several times a week. My job had me traveling about 50% of the time and when I'm gone he brings the tapes home and goes to the internet. The porno on the internet has just been one more way of feeding his addiction. I have 2 daughters, 19 and 28 that he loves dearly but I can't handle the fact that many of his magazines are based on teenage porn queens. I have given up fighting this problem, but what it has caused is a very sterile (for lack of a better word) relationship. We are good friends and enjoy doing things together, but there is no intimacy. He has developed ED, but won't admit it so when we do have sex, maybe once a month, it is to much work. The only enjoyment is the physical release. He doesn't need me for that, he does that on his own as often as he can get by with it. So my response to cybersex and porno on the internet is that it is very damaging to a person and their spouse. It's like giving an alcoholic the key to a liquor store after hours.

[F 19] My husband was getting in local chat rooms and talking to girls. At first I didn't mind, but then I would wake up late at night and find him sill on the computer talking to girls instead of in the bed with me. One time I found him talking to a girl and he had told her that he was single even though we are married. Just recently I found an e-mail address of some girl hidden in his wallet. Now I don't know about you, but I see this as no different than cheating. Of course, there were lies involved. We no longer have access to the internet and I know my husband isn't talking to these girls anymore. When he was doing all this, I was pregnant which made it seem even worse. I love my husband very much, but the internet has caused many problems for us which resulted in arguments. I don't mind him talking to other girls but when it comes to the lies and all the hours not spent with me, then that's when I began to see it as cheating. He thinks I over reacted, but I think I was right to get upset. So, I believe if it's an honest and open "friendship only" relationship, then it's ok, but if it leads to lying or more, then it's a problem.

Updated 1/02 [M 31] if cybersex is cheating, then so is any imaginatory stimulation. it's as simple as that. the only difference is that there is someone actively involved in your imaginations. it's as plain as that.
if one thinks this is cheating, then they shouldn't even be reading sexually stimulating material. ban the playboys and the penthouses and even burn the 'romance' novels. anything less and you're fooling yourself into thinking that cybersex is cheating.

Updated 12/01 [F 57] No, I do not see Cybersex as cheating at all. I am 57 and, as happens with most 57 year old ladies, I need something to keep me sexually 'peak'. My husband is 48 and VERY sexually active. I am bi-sexual, and only became so 2 years ago. My husband does not know about my lover, who is my best friend. I use Cybersex to keep me in peek condition so that I can satisfy both my husband and lover. I am very lucky as I can orgasm on words alone and nearly always do when I am Cybering with either men or women. There is no harm in it. There is no physical contact, no emotional bond, just fantasy and wild thoughts that can be practiced safely in the comfort of my home. Neither of my partners know I do but then again, neither of them is disappointed when I have finished living out what I fantasise in the net. I always 'prepare myself' for Cybering, shower, perfumed, comfortable with all my sex toys at hand and away I go. It is nothing for me to multi-orgasm and, when I have the real thing, I am thinking of my experiences.

Updated 7/01 [F 48] I'm a 48 y.o. female who has cybered in the past. I feel it is cheating if you hide it from your mate and if you deprive your mate of your time and affection. I am still on-line friends with my cyber partner however we no longer do cybersex. At the time, it was new to me and extremely exciting however, I no longer have an interest in it. If you are consenting adults, it can enhance your home life experiences but you must be careful not to make it a priority.

Updated 5/01 Thanks for your very interesting page dealing with cybersex. It appears that I am not alone in having suffered from the bad effects of this on a marriage. I recently discovered that my wife of 12 years had carried out an "on-line" affair. She even saved the text on a disc!
I have been devasted by the whole thing. All my respect and trust for my wife has gone and I sincerely doubt that it will return. We remain "married" but I am afraid that it will not be "forever" anymore - this has started me looking for another partner and once I find her, boy, am I going to enjoy getting out of this mockery of a relationship!
To all those guys out there doing it, please be aware of the harm that you have caused.

Updated 4/01 [F] My own experience was decidedly mixed. I found myself truly surprised that mere characters on a keyboard, a disembodied voice on the other end of a telephone line, could carry with it such an erotic and emotional charge. But the guy was married and although we did establish ground rules I ended up "coloring ouside the lines" in a way I never thought I would. When people begin an extra-marital affair of any kind, they usually think that they're capable of behaving like rational adults...but they hardly ever do.

Updated 3/01 [F 27] Cybersex exists in that vast grey area between reality and fantasy. In other words, there are no easy answers to the question: "Is cybersex cheating?" I don't have any definitive answers, and neither does anyone else (Although they may think they do). Because the question is relative and individualistic in this way, the best we can do is decide for ourselves where our boundaries are. Consideration of our partner, of course, is always a factor....(or should be..because otherwise, why are are you with them?).
And I don't agree that you have to tell your partner EXACTLY what you're engaged in online to consider them. We have agreed on previous boundary issues, and like most couples, we agree that some things, even though we are intimate with each other, are private. He doesn't listen in on my phone calls, read my letters, or ask me what I'm doing in the bathroom for so long. I don't ask him if he got a lap dance from the stripper at the strip club the other night, and I don't particularly want to know that he may masturbate to thoughts of my sister. This is all about respecting your partner's right to have some things that are their own.
My partner knows I chat online...and I'm sure he knows that not all of these conversations are about the weather...(he's no dumb bunny). He doesn't want to know the details, and I don't blame him. He is ultimately okay with it (just as I'm okay with his getting lapdances occasionally), because he trusts me not to let the occasional cybersex session affect our relationship. Not everyone can maintain these kinds of boundaries, and I feel fortunate that I have a partner who respects my judgement so throughly. 100% *disclosure* is neither attainable nor desirable; basic honesty, trust, and respect are different matters--they are necessary. Part of loving someone is acknowleging and accepting that they have "a life" outside of what you share together--even in the area of sexuality. If my partner begrudged me my private thoughts, feelings, and even actions, well, then I'd have to question how much he loved, trusted and respected me. I will add that this is what works for me as an individual, and my partner and I as a couple. Overall, it's a grey area and everyone must decide for themselves.

Updated 2/01 [F] I think that if you engage in any kind of sexual activity while you are married or attached to someone, it's cheating!

Updated 10/3/00 [F 27] I think cybersex is cheating. I recently found out that my husband was having cybersex with many women online. I knew that he was spending a lot of time online & he told me that it was business. I wanted to find out for sure, so I purchased this software from http://www.bustedonline.com. I found out what I wanted to know, in full detail. It was very important to me that I find out. I know that everyone does not think that cybersex is cheating, but that is the point. My husband did not think he was doing anything wrong, but he knew how I felt about it. Besides the fact, if he did not think he was doing anything wrong, why did he have to hide it? I guess my point is, find out what your spouse thinks about it & if you have to hide it from them than you know it is wrong. Think about the feelings of your loved ones before you do what you do.

[F] I know you have had tons of letters regarding this issue..but let me inject one thought...I was married for 35 years...not unbelievably happy..but I had no plans to leave the marriage. Then I met this married man online...we became good friends..and yes, began cybering on the net...and on the phone...for a year and a half...and it made me realize...what am I doing? This man will never leave his wife..he had made that clear..and I was number four in his cybering experience.....and still, I was addicted to him.
After much thought and searching my soul, I realized, this was simply a wake up call...I was truly miserable in my marriage and this was a safe way out..or so I thought. I now have been separated from my husband for three months..have never regretted that decision and have cut all ties with my cyber "lover".
For me...cybering caused me numerous sleepless nights, tons of tears, day after day of "will he be online"...etc., etc.....but in the end, made me realize just how unhappy I was in my marrigae.
Do I advise it for others??????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I truly feel the majority of men can cyber with one woman after another, without any "feelings of love" entering in....but I don't feel women in the general sense can do that..we seem to get "hooked".

Updated 5/30/00 [M] My wife and I have been having cybersex for quite awhile now and it has really made our sex life better and we are starting to try many new things. We are considering meeting some of our contacts personally as we are both bi-curious

Updated 4/30/00 [F] Yes it is cheating. i just found out my husband of 44 years is doing this and it has destroyed me. i plan on filing for divorce.the heart does not belong to yourmate if you are looking elsewhere. i found this by looking for a christian page on this subject. i don't do chat rooms for this reason and i am no damn prude but GOD MADE SEX TO BE BETWEEN AMAN AND HIS WIFE.

Updated 4/7/00 [F 29] Is cybersex cheating? I truly don't believe so. My husband and I have been married for 9 yrs. now.We both feel that if there is not anything physical then it can't be cheating. On the other hand if a person gets too wrapped up in it then they should move away from it for a while. I have beenchatting also cyber and it does give me pleasure. Maybe it is the unknown person behind the screen. Maybe it is the fantasy of him. Sometimes it's just the mystery of it. As long as people can keep it on the net then i believe it is safe and fun. One of your posts included a comment that many people should utilize more often, "It does not really matter where you get your appetite from as long as you eat at home". If there were more "safe"sexual outlets that couples could enjoy together, maybe less people would stray into much more destructive behavior. People need to ultimately and consistently remind themselves that 99% of fantasy is WAY better than the actual reality.

Updated 3/3/00 [F 33] I'm a 33 year old married female and I wanted to comment on the cybersex & cheating thread. I don't think Cybersex is cheating if you can keep it on the computer and not let it move into real life. I have no problem with my husband cybering and even though i never told him I did, he did ask me once and I admitted I had and he seemed ok with it. It's not any worse then calling a phone sex line. If it's kept strictly to the computer there's no physical touching and it's a good way to play out fantasies of being with someone new, being with a stranger, etc. without actually doing it. Also sometimes there are things you like to fantasize about that you can share online and don't feel comfortable sharing with your significant other, for whatever reason. People just have to be very careful because it can be very tempting to make the online thing a real thing and there are always people throwing the temptation at you.
I also wanted to make a comment on one of your other responses to this thread. Someone had written that Cybersex was cheating and that her husband shouldn't talk to or have friends of the opposite sex because he's a married man now. My husband has many female "friends" and I have absolutely no problem with it. I've met them and I trust him. There is either a trust issue in that relationship or the wife must be very insecure.

[F] - A change of heart from a previous contributor JEL I am writing about my cyber experiences. I was the one who thought it was silly and not something an adult would do. Well I found a chat room. First I just watched as people exchanged words. Then I became involved I am happily married for 12 years but something was missing in my life. Bonding with complete strangers who would have thought. I get really caught up in it the men always say the right thing(what I need to hear). Also I have made some great friends we exchanged emails and letters. I have this new found sexuality. I use it as foreplay, does that seem wrong? My husband has playboys and other things he can use. But the words do it for me. It is seduction at it's best safe from disease with no risk to losing my family life. Please do more on this topic maybe even a new book. It is the wave of the future, and I'm riding it in.Thanks

Updated 2/1/00 [F 37] Hi - I'm a 37 year old wife and mother of four. I feel that having any type of relationship with a person of the opposite sex just leads to sin, either an affair or an affair of the mind. My husband has been hooked on playing cards on the Internet and many times is playing with other women. They flirt back and forth I feel this is a form of cheating. Once you agree to spend the rest of your life with a person you should not have friends of the opposite sex or be flirting. My husband says I'm just being silly and jealous, but it is more than that. It really hurts me and if he truly loves me and respects or relationship and me he would stop.

Updated 11/1/99 [F 35] Several months ago my live-in boyfriend of eight years became addicted to the internet, and I asked him if it was because he was having Cybersex. When he answered 'NO', I made it very clear to him that I considered it cheating so was glad to hear he was not 'cybering'. Well, last weekend I discovered dozens of files on the computer which turned out to be logs of him having Cybersex with a handful of women for the past few months, and I was crushed! I started looking through more files, and also found naked pictures of the women he's been cybering with. When he came home I confronted him, but he tried to tell me it was meaningless--nothing more real than a computer game--but to me it was very real! After our talk, he promised to never do it again, but tonight I found a new file, and now know that I have to leave him. Not so much for the cybersex itself, but for lying about it and doing it after he knew how I felt about it. So, the answer is 'Yes', cybersex is cheating if your partner believes it is, and I do. I have a broken heart to prove it!

Updated 10/1/99[F] I am a young woman who met a young man on the Internet and things started out casually. To me, he was just another online guy friend. One day, we cybered. We cybered almost every day after that. We moved on to phone sex and now enjoy both. We've been together almost two months, and no, we haven't met yet. He lives in Florida and I'm in Maryland. But we both love each other very much, and we're both just out of our first serious relationships. We both get to try again, with each other, and I'm so glad that he came along. My first relationship ended quite badly, as did his. As for cybering being cheating, well, for us, it's not. That's what we do together. And I know that he has no desire to do it with anyone else, and I have no desire to either. Our relationship must be one of trust and honesty, because we have nothing physical yet, and the relationship is one solely of communication. As for that, we're both very open with the other. What else can we do but talk?

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